


A sign

by loutrem



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, this is going to be fun :3c
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-04-03 07:52:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4092970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loutrem/pseuds/loutrem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Your name is TAVROS NITRAM and you cannot sleep no matter how hard you try". 18 years old boy Tavros witnesses one of his friend Gamzee's suicidal breakdowns and helps him recover. Lucky that he was awake this night right? Gamzee thinks it's a sign, Tavros thinks it's a coincidence, but what is sure is that their relationship is not the same anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. message

**Author's Note:**

> hi, it's me, loutrem, and this is my first fanfiction. alright not my very very first im lying here. but i did my first fanfiction like 6 years ago and it was a twilight self-insert so you dont need to know. i havent written anything like this since then (i write sometimes but just not fanfictions, mostly weird surrealist shit for school). this is still my first homestuck fanfiction and the first time ill write about couples... yyyyyyeah.
> 
> a few disclaimers: 1) im french. so im not too good for writing in english even tho you could say im pretty fluent. PLEASE do tell me if i do spelling mistakes and such? thatd be greatly appreciated, even tho my fics are proofread and corrected by cool writer and amazing girlfriend hatsumiyo-momichi. 2) this story is happening in france because i have no idea how the USA (and mostly US' schools) works. so please bear with me? if anything, i will explain stuff in the notes lol 3) this is a pretty sad story but i won't call it sadstuck because it ends well (don't worry)
> 
> enjoy me story

Your name is TAVROS NITRAM and you can't sleep. Somehow. It's like something is keeping you awake, and it's pissing you off. Your eyes are heavy, they feel like they're going to fall out, but you can't bring yourself to sleep. You look back to your digital clock. 2:30 a.m. Shit, you're going to be so sleepy tomorrow. Your final exams are coming soon, too soon, and you really can't afford to sleep in class, even if you know some people in your class take notes on their computer and usually post them on facebook for people who were sleeping. You close your eyes really hard, thinking about flying like you always wished you could do, wishing it would make you sleep, but after a while you find that your eyes are open again. You don't remember opening them.

You sigh heavily and decide to give up. You just. Give. The fuck. Up. You pick up your cellphone (missing the spot you had put it a few times since you're in the complete darkness), turn it on, not without feeling your eyes hurting because of the sudden source of bright light, and start browsing the internet, hoping that it will tire your eyes enough so you can sleep. You search for some fresh Pokémon memes or some of those breedings people have been drawing recently; you find them interesting. And cute. After a while you start playing a bit of 2048. You beat the game hundreds of times, but it is never enough for you.

Suddenly, your phone goes off in your hand, making your heart skip a beat. It vibrates three times, meaning that you received a message on Trollian. It's almost 3 a.m, who the hell would think about sending a message right now? You think about Vriska, she almost never sleep and is always trying to be in cahoots with you to do some fucked up shit. She's gotten you into really bad situations, for all the years you've been "friends" with her, and she even sent you to the hospital for a few days one time. But at the beginning of the year you told her off (quite harshly but you didn't care anymore) and she hasn't been speaking with you since then, and you can't complain about that. So, who sent a message? You take no more time in wondering who it is and open Trollian to see that it is a memo that was opened by ...Gamzee? What was he doing up this late? He usually cherishes the time when he can sleep. You start reading what he wrote, worried by the fact that all he writes is in lower cases, unlike his habitual Up AnD dOwN typing quirk.

terminallyCapricious [TC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY ASSHOLE RUMPUS FACTORY.

TC: hey bros. and sis'. alright, dunno how im motherfucking gonna express this shit but

TC: i can't. continue like this. tonight i'm gonna fuckin off myself

TC: i hope yall will be able to up and forget me very soon. i ain't important to any of you anyways. so, bye

You start panicking. Heavily. You feel your breath picking up. You read the message over and over, hoping it will change to something happier, but it doesn't. You don't know what to say, you've never really been in this kind of situations. Usually, the one who calmed Gamzee was Karkat and at this hour, Karkat is probably sleeping (you're like 99,99% sure) and he won't see this in time. Which sucks, because he would have been the only one to be able to talk Gamzee out of this.

You've known Gamzee for a while now. You know how depressed he is, even though he doesn't look like it, with his silly grin plastered on his face, his ever so present aura of softness radiating off of him, his unfocused eyes and his ramblings about miracles and God and other religious stuff you don't really follow but that you like listening to. He's really religious actually, he read the Bible more than a few times, but he likes to spice it up a bit and changing God into a rapper clown, which you find ridiculously funny. He loves to rap, and you think he's really good at it, but Dave Strider, one of the friend of your group, thinks he sucks balls. But you don't care because you like rapping with him too. He's a chill guy from outside, always in a clownish attire, with multicolored nail polish and in dresses or skirts on fancy days. But you, just like Karkat, know that all of this is just a facade. Inside, he isn't well.

As he would put it, "there's not a lotta great stuff going on all up in here". Half of the time, his smiles are motivated by him being high off his ass. Because yeah, he's kind of an addict. He smokes a lot of weed, it's rare to see him without a little cloud of smoke surrounding him. At school, he isn't allowed to wear his clown make up that he wears every day, which forces him to make an extra-effort to smile and be happy, since his face paint covers a bit his sadness and makes him look smiley all the time. His dad is never here for him; he grew up mostly alone with his mother, who would leave him by himself, too, most of the time. She died when he was fifteen, drowned by a maniac that no one found. Gamzee doesn't like to talk about this. His dad comes to visit him for just one day each months, but it's not enough for eighteen years old Gamzee Makara. The friends in your group also like to mock him, belittle him and make fun of his beliefs and looks. No one really likes him except you and Karkat, and even then, Karkat can be pretty harsh with him. You feel like you are the only one who really truly cares about him, and it saddens you.

And now, he was threatening to kill himself, and you can't let him do that. You breathe heavily and your sudden burst of confidence makes your fingers fly over the letters on your phone to type an answer:

adiosToreador responded to memo

AT: uH, gAMZEE? gAMZ, aRE YOU STILL HERE?

AT: ,,,

AT: gAMZEE I'M WORRIED, pLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING BAD,

TC: ...

TC: woah tav.. didnt excpet you to answer

AT: gAMZ ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

AT: nEVERMIND, yOU OBVIOUSLY AREN'T,

TC: nah i aint. but dont worry your lil head, i got this

TC: soon ya wont have to worry abot me no more

AT: dON'T SAY THAT,

TC: why are you awake tho? its like.. . super late bro... you need to catch some Zs... :o)

AT: gAMZEE THAT'S NOT THE QUESTION, rIGHT NOW,

AT: tHE QUESTION BEING, dO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER?

TC: … no tav dont come seriously, motherfucker, leave me alone. i dont deserve help

AT: yES YOU DO, aND I THINK, mAYBE, eVEN IF YOU DONT WANT ME TO COME, tHAT I WILL COME,

AT: iN YOUR HOUSE, i MEAN,

AT: tHAT WAS AWKWARD,

TC: dont pleas please dont donton leav me alone

You frown deeply and sigh in annoyance as you stand up and turn on the light in your room, trying not to fall because of the faint pain in your knees and back. Sigh. Scoliosis and weak knees, what a great combo.

AT: i'M COMING OVER ANYWAYS AND YOU CAN'T, sTOP ME,

adiosToreador left the memo

You get prepared silently, taking a simple black shirt and jeans, trying not to wake your family. Rufioh, your big brother, wouldn't forgive you for ruining his precious night of sleep. Your phone keeps going off in your jean's pocket but you ignore it; you won't answer. You take your backpack and some fresh clothes for tomorrow; seeing the time, it's inevitable that you will have to sleep at Gamzee's. Luckily, you already have a personal toothbrush and towel there, you're so used to go at his place that you have your own stuff so that you can come and sleep whenever. You snoop down the stairs, trying to not make them creak, and stop in your kitchen, leaving a word for your parents on a bright pink note. They know the situation with Gamzee, you often go see him, but tonight is the first time you leave without telling them before. You hope they won't be too pissed off.

His house really isn't that far, only a good 10 minutes of walking. You run a bit though, you don't want your slowness giving him a chance at trying to kill himself, you would never forgive yourself. You finally approach his house, worry eating your guts as you see no lights are on. You run to his door and immediately ring. You're not afraid of waking anyone up since he's alone in his house anyways. You ring again, and then knock loudly. No answers. This whole thing is starting to scare you.

"Gamzee! If you don't open the door I will uh... I will BREAK your kitchen's window and enter anyways!" you yell.

You wait for a little while before hearing some shuffling behind the door. You let a relieved sigh escape your lips. He's still alive. Also, you weren't going to break his kitchen's window, of course, you're not that kind of guy. You hear the door being unlocked and then creak open. There, you see eyes peeking through the small opening of the door, staring right at you. Sad, sad swollen eyes. You wince, he looks awful, his face shiny with tears, his face paint smudged everywhere on his clothes, in his hair, even on his bare legs. He seems hesitant, a bit wobbly too, as if he was drunk. Oh god, is he drunk?! He stinks of alcohol.

"Hey, Gamzee, can I enter, please? I want to help you..." you whisper to him

"... you really shouldn't be there..." he answers, really slowly, with a croaking voice full of sobs, meaning he probably cried all night and screamed too. You feel your heart ache at that thought and you can't help but feel extreme sadness for him.

"Hum... as long as I'm your friend, you won't be alone and you won't die, so yeah, I think, in my opinion, that I should be here." you try to have the most reassuring voice as you can.

"I dunno dude I * hic * … I just..."

He stops, closing the door a little bit more. You can barely see him now but you can still see that he's crying, his clear blue eyes surrounded by heavily red scleras looking to the side with despair. You know he is way, way taller than you, despite the fact that a few years ago it wasn't the case at all, but right now it looked like he had lost half of his size. Your feel your heart sink.

"Hey, don't cry Gam, I'm here, I'll help you. Hum... Gamy?" you say, using his favorite nickname. You think it's a bit silly so you blush a bit, and you're sure he does too. You're the only one allowed to use this one. He looks at you again.

"Yeah... yeah... motherfuck... alright..."

He opens the door a bit more but not fully for some reason. You can see he has a hard time staying right on his feet. He is definitely drunk. He turns around to free the passage so you can enter too.


	2. in which tavros fucks up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, hi, im back. so, a few notes before starting this chapter? i forgot to tell you, gamzee is genderfluid, with he/him pronouns. he's also half french half algerian with south african ascendants. even tho im pretty sure it will have no consequence in the fic, its just so you know that he has a pretty dark skin and african features (?). aaaand tavros is from an all spanish family. thats all.
> 
> also, a reminder that im french so, tell me if i make mistakes and such? i like writing this fic haha even tho it's not the best fic ever.
> 
> don't worry the gay will happen soon
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm, alcohol, depressive thoughts, suicide ideation

"Really Tav you shouldn't be here... everything's bitchtits wicked I don't need help or anything..." he mumbles.

You turn to look at him with what you hoped was an angry glare. It probably looked like all but an angry glare but that is all you can do at the present moment. You weren't actually angry though, but when you listened to him trying to push you away when you tried to help him you felt a bit hurt, even if you knew it wasn't his fault. You also hated to make this about you. But you couldn't stop feeling hurt.

After entering his house, you had a long hug session with him in which all he could do was cry and apologize, and you answered by hugging him even harder and whispering that everything was going to be alright. He felt cold and was trembling, so you tried to convey all your warmth to him. Your face was buried in his massive amount of hair and you could smell weed but also sweat and sugar. His tears had fell on your shirt, since he is a few inches taller than you, and a bit of his face paint had rubbed off on you. But you didn't care, you wanted to make him feel better.

Now, you were in his kitchen, emptying all the bottles of alcohol that were on the table in the sink. There was some vodka, some rum and even a bottle of tequila. He drank a whole bottle of whiskey too! And, well, you're pretty sure he smoked weed too. No, you're 100% sure he did. He had prepared a big kitchen knife, to do what he might have done if you hadn't seen his messages. He already used it though, you can see it on his thighs; the cuts are not deep but there's a bit of blood starting to dry. You had to hide the knife from his view and you had put some napkins on the injuries to wipe off the blood.

He really looks ashamed for some reason: you don't want to scold him or make him feel bad, but he still seems like he's going to melt on his chair and disappear in the floor. He doesn't even look at you. He's only in black boxers and t-shirt, and you can see his thin frame shiver (you don't know if it's because of the fact that his house is really, really cold or because of something else). He nervously jiggles his left leg up and down, biting his nails, but still not looking at you. You don't say anything. You're really tired right now, and you don't really know what to say either. You also are a little bit pissed off, but you really can't blame him. Depression, you lived it for a few years too before meeting him. You know it's hard, you can't control it, or even control all the bad stuff that happens to you. So instead of answering, you just sigh and finish to empty all the bottles.

When you finish, it's almost 4 a.m., and it is obvious that you two really need to sleep. He is still not looking at you but you can see really dark bags under his eyes. You approach him and put your arm around his shoulders. He finally looks at you with the same sad eyes as before.

"Gamzee, I think we should perhaps go to sleep, it's really late. I'll stay with you tonight okay? I can't leave you like this."

You can see in his eyes a flash of tenderness before all the angst comes back. He nods and you help him stand up to lead him to his room. Since his legs are pretty weak, mostly because of the alcohol but also probably because of the pain he might feel in his thighs, he keeps wobbling so your trip to his room is really slow but you finally manage to enter and help him sit on his bed slowly. You sit next to him, your arm around his waist. He is still shivering, and for some reason, he seems really embarrassed, but you can't really tell because he hides his face with his right hand. With your other hand, you move a few strands of his unruly hair out of his face. You want to talk about helping him heal his cuts but for some reason, you feel like it's not the right moment. You move a bit closer to him, feeling the sudden urge to hug him, but before you can do anything, a small, sobbing voice asks you:

"Why were you awake Tav?"

"Uuuuuuuh... I dunno? I couldn't sleep. I tried to but it didn't really work."

He lifts his face to look at you with an unreadable expression. You realize that your hand is still at his side and you think about removing it but you decide against it, firstly because you think it's soothing Gamzee, and also because you feel that if you do so you will miss something important. Anyways, you find it pretty enjoyable to have your hand there, it's like the spot between his ribs and his hips were made for it.

"I think it's a sign man... a fucking miracle..."

"Well... I think it's just a coincidence."

"How convenient though, right? Just THIS night, where I actually decided to motherfucking end it all, you're awake, and then you're here. I can't explain this shit, neither can you. It's a miracle bro, I tell you."

"Yeah, but a sign for what?" you chuckle lightly at his slightly amazed voice.

He's now blushing; his already dark skin darkened even more. He licked his lips quickly, looking nervous, and stared down at his hands.

"I dunno, we'll see about that..." he whispers, and before you can add anything else he says, with a clearer voice:

"I love you."

You freeze. You feel yourself become livid while he is becoming redder and redder, it's like he's taking all your colors. Your brain stops for a few seconds before starting to work again, too fast this time. You think you didn't hear that well, so you look around for a while and then say:

"Uh, w-wha-"

"I love you, I... really fucking dig you Tav. And I only want you." he almost yells, his last words ending with a cracking of his voice.

You blink once. Then twice. Your throat tightens painfully and you feel really, really horrible. It's almost like you're aching... from everywhere. You start sweating profusely and feel your cheeks turn red and hot. Your mind is racing. "He loves me? But why? I thought we were just friends. Why would anyone like me? Did he always think of me that way? How long have I been blind to this? Am I really that bad romantically speaking?" and other questions of the likes are clogging your mind. You stop your mind for a second to look at him: he didn't move an ounce, all stiff, staring down at his hands sitting on his lap, except that now he lost all his colors and seems really embarrassed. Your hand is still on his side, so you remove it. He still doesn't move but you can see his expression turn from embarrassed to slightly horrified. That's why you shouldn't have moved your hands. You feel your heart break a bit. This is probably the most awkward you've ever felt in your entire life. You stand up.

"I-I'm going to sleep okay? I'm really t-tired right now." fuck, stop stuttering

"Tav-"

"It's okay Gamzee, you're drunk, you should sleep now..." you cut him, with a strangled voice.

You hesitate for a few seconds before you go get the old mattress that sits in a corner of his room to drag it next to his bed; that mattress he found in his basement and that he brought back in his room just for you to sleep here with him. You don't look back at him while you prepare your makeshift bed. You take an old and fat Pokémon plush that you gave him a few years ago for his birthday, to make a pillow with it (there is already one but it's so hard it feels like you're sleeping on concrete) and go get some blankets he kept for you in his closet. You're still not looking at him when you take off your jeans and slip under the blankets. You say a quick "good night" before closing your eyes, your face away from his bed.

…

Don't look at him. Don't turn... guilt starts gnawing at your brain when you realize what you just did, so you turn anyways. Shit. You look at him, your eyes half closed, probably with a deep frown on your face, you can't really tell. You're still blushing hard so it feels like your face went numb and all you can feel is the burning of embarrassment. He is still at the same spot on his bed. He hasn't moved, except that he's looking down to the floor, his face blank with expression. When he realizes that you're looking at him, he smiles at you (you really don't believe this smile, it looks forced), says "good night" and, just like you, slips under his covers and starts sleeping, turning away from you. You sigh, you feel like shit. You were there to comfort him but look at what you did. He's probably feeling worse now because of you freaking out like a chicken in front of a fork. You start beating yourself up in your head and cursing at yourself for your stupidity. Wow, you really did fuck that one up did you?

* * *

Wow, you really did fuck that one up did you? Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA and you're a worthless piece of shit. You are now in your bed, your forehead against the wall next to it. It hurts. Everything hurts. Your brain, your throat, your thighs... your heart. Who ever thought it was a good idea to confess your love on a night like this? When you threatened to kill yourself? When you're drunk as fuck and a little bit high? You probably thought he was going to take pity in you and accept. You're so fucked up. This is so fucked up. How could you be so obtuse? Now he would never want to hang out with you anymore.

But you thought... you thought it was going to work. The way he held you and told you with his simple and clear voice that everything was going to be alright. How you felt his breath on your neck while he was reassuring you. How he helped you. Your plans for the night changed as soon as he appeared at your door. You were going to commit suicide but when you saw him, you thought, maybe, it would be a good idea... to tell him. Maybe dating him would make you less fucked up, or a bit more happy? You don't know. You're not sure you've ever felt happiness. This is such a foreign concept to you. But you know that now you feel even worse than before he came, if that was ever possible. You still love him, but you feel like someone ripped you apart or head-butted you right in the guts. You really couldn't keep your damn trap shut could you? You want to disappear forever. Why did you think he would reciprocate anyways? No one really likes you. You know it. They're all pretending. You're not likeable. You're just some guy who's only interesting when he's high. You're not even a guy all the time, you're a thing. A wretched thing. All you ever do is whine and whine and talk about God. Oh, God. Can't he help you now? He already made a miracle happen tonight, can't He make another one and end your life? You're scared He won't ever want you near him if you killed yourself. Hell, even if you don't believe it's true, you're sure you're already damned for having these ugly feelings and for not accepting the body He gave you. You're so fucked up, you're a monster, a monster, and nobody would ever want you the way you want Tavros. Not even God.

...

You remember the first time you knew you had feelings for Tavros. It was at a New Year party, a few years ago. The party was happening in the countryside so you could do all the noise you wanted without anyone showing up to stop any of you. All your fifteen friends were here, even Jade who lived in the Réunion island made the whole trip to France to come party with all of you (you're pretty sure she was also motivated by the presence of her boyfriend, Dave). The house where you were was an old country house that was used very rarely by Nepeta's family. She and her dad only went there when hunting season started. She loves to hunt and is actually pretty good at it, and her mother is an excellent cook and makes awesome dishes with what her daughter and husband come back with. Being deaf didn't stop her mother from succeeding in achieving such a high level in cooking.

Anyways, it was far into the night, but still not midnight, and you and Tavros were already pretty inebriated. You were all dancing to the beat of really, really horrible songs but none of you cared because you were with all your friends, having a good time. That's when Tavros spotted a cat outside. He loves animals, but he's really allergic to cats and is sad about it. He always says "they look so fluffy and friendly, I just want to pet one at least once in my life without having eczema or crying", so it gave you an idea. You took his hand and lead him to the kitchen. There, you grabbed some napkins and a rubber glove that was sitting there.

"Hey Tav! Tonight you're going to pet a motherfucking CAT bro!"

He looked at you worriedly, so you laughed and added, with wild movements of your arms:

"If you put on that cat-petting glove and keep these square paper fuckers things to your face you'll be able to touch that motherfucker and pet it like there's no tomorrow!"

He then smiled at you with the most adorable smile you've ever seen on his face. It was probably the worst idea you two ever had but you knew he was so happy that maybe he could finally be able to pet a cat, it made your heart bounce with joy.

When you were finally outside, you proceeded to approach the cat, very slowly. It didn't help at all, because the animal saw you anyways and froze for a moment, its paw in mid-air, looking at you two with huge eyes. It then started to run towards the forest near the house. You followed it, not without laughing because you knew you two must have looked really ridiculous at this moment. You stopped when you found you were maybe too far away from the house, and almost entered the dark and scary forest the cat had ran into. Tavros took your arm to make you back away a little bit.

"Haha, shit bro, we almost entered the Dark Carnival here."

"Yeah! What if there was a creepy axe murderer in there?" he said, giggling a bit.

"I am going to motherfucking chop your wooood!" you said with a forced scary ghost voice.

He laughed and you too, and you couldn't help but notice how pretty he looked when he was laughing. Or just how pretty he looked in general. His semi closed eyes and his white teeth, one of them on which you could see the grey of a dental filling, his freckles all over his face, his brown skin so smooth, his hair that seemed so soft, shaved on the sides (sides that he dyed red a few months after this night), how one of his hands rested on his belly when he was laughing, a belly that had a bit of fat because of the fact that he never did sports because of his scoliosis. Everything. Everything was beautiful about him and you felt your heart beat even faster. It suddenly stopped beating when you heard a loud noise behind you. The two of you turned abruptly to face the forest, suddenly screaming in fear, but you were screaming even louder because something was clawing at your legs (your naked legs, you were wearing a short skirt that night, even if it was really cold outside). When you looked down, still screaming, you saw the cat playing with your shoes, trying to eat your shoelaces and scratching your ankles. It must have been waiting in a bush and then jumped on you when you two were laughing. You stopped screaming right away and sighed heavily, turning to Tavros. He was smiling, looking at the cat with adoration, then at you. You smiled back.

He could pet the cat. He said he really wanted to nuzzle against its fur but knew it was probably a really bad idea. You found it adorable how glad he was to finally pet a cat, even though he couldn't feel its fur against his hand. After a while, you had to go back to the party as Nepeta was shouting your names, asking where you went. You shouted back to her and left the feline where it was. When you two arrived back to the house, his eyes were a bit red (well, the protection didn't really work apparently) but he was filled with glee. Before entering the house again, he stopped you and hugged you. You hugged him back, letting his body surround yours. You felt good, you felt right, and in that moment, you knew. You knew you wanted him more than anything, and that you loved him. Since then, you've always craved for his touch and wanted to tell him at any given moment how you felt, but you were too shy.

Except tonight, because you were foolishly more courageous because of how drunk you were. And stupid. And now, he won't even want to be your friend anymore. You feel hollow, dead. You wish you could vanish, or go back in time and erase all you've said. Probably stop yourself to create a memo so that you could die peacefully. But it was too late.

You sigh softly and drift off to sleep anyways.


	3. unrequited?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! Oh my god, sorry for the delay for this chapter... it's been literally a Y E A R since i started this fic. aaah i really want to finish it! so be prepared, im NOT DONE!
> 
> here are my excuses: i have entered a new fandom (Jojo's Bizarre Adventure) and its taking all my damn time. ive even started writing a caejose fic because its my otp (i will release it soon for those who are interested). but i promise i will finish this fic first!
> 
> usual warning that im french so if i make mistakes, tell me. this time it wasn't proofread but next chapter probably will!
> 
> Chapter Warnings: vomiting, semf harm mention, alcohol mention, depressive thoughts, drugs

7 a.m.

 

You wake up painfully as the digital clock near to Gamzee's bed starts barfing its horrid clown rap. You don't mind the music that much, you're used to your friend's taste in bands. However, you do mind the brightness of the room that makes you feel like someone is stabbing your brain through your eyes. A growling can be heard on Gamzee's side but none of you move to make the clock shut up. Ugh, only 3 hours of sleep, you're going to have to rely on facebook or Aradia for the notes again, since you know you are totally going to sleep in class. Great. Fantastic. But it’s not the time to start pouting. You will need to be quick this morning.

 

You sit up slowly, still trying to adjust your eyes to the light of day, and turn to look at Gamzee. He shoved his head under his pillow but you could still see his long, messy and curly hair sticking out. His hands are against the pillow, pushing its sides to his ears so he can't hear the music. You let out a little chuckle at his silliness, then crawl towards the clock to stop it by slamming your hand against the snooze button. You feel that weird feeling of satisfaction you get when a noise you can't bear stops and sigh. You stretch a bit and get ready to stand up, knowing your back will hurt a little bit. You notice that you are close to Gamzee's bed, so you stay on the floor and get on your knees, walking like a penguin towards him. You stop right next to his bed and reach his shoulder to shake it gently.

 

“Hey, Gamzee, wake up, it's almost 7:10...” you say.

 

He growls again, not really moving. You shake him a bit more violently but he only groans more and makes no effort to change his position. So you tear the pillow away from his face and throw it in a corner of the room. Forced to look at the light, he lets a pained whimper out and covers his eyes with his hands. He is totally hungover. You push yourself to sit on his bed while laughing at his reaction and shake him one more time.

 

“Taaaaaav, if you continue... I'm going to motherfucking... throw up...” he says with a very weak voice.

“It's not my fault Gamz, you were totally drunk only a few hours ago, you don't remember?”

 

He pauses for a bit. Realization seems to hit him as he slowly pulls his hands away from his face and his eyes starts to widen. He looks at the ceiling with horrified eyes, then at you, starting to blush very hard. His already dark skin darkened even more. Oh, yeah. You almost forgot about that, you too. You don't know how you could actually forget that event, probably because you are really tired. Or, you really didn't have the time to think about what he said so there are still questions floating in your head in this moment. You decide to ignore them and not let it get to you and start to try to help him out of his bed.

 

He is still a bit weak and shaky and it seems that all the alcohol he drank still isn't completely out of his body. He tries to walk a bit, but pales dramatically after a few steps and makes a shocked face, as if someone just punched him in the guts. He quickly escapes from your grasp and runs towards the door to reach the bathroom, a hand covering his mouth. You hear him from across the house, vomiting in the toilets. Ew.

 

It is now 7:37 and he is still in the same state. You had quickly changed to your day clothes (making sure he wasn't looking at you while you were doing so, you’ve never been completely secure about your body, but his head was too deep in the toilets for him to see anything) and had been checking on him every few minutes while you were making your breakfast and also helped him disinfect his cuts. Now that you ate the toasts and orange juice rapidly, you are sitting with him on the bathroom floor. It seems that the vomiting stopped as he is there, on the floor next to the toilets, but he is still shaking, his teeth chattering. He is obviously really cold, but so are you (his house really IS cold to be honest). But seeing him rubbing his arms frantically to get a bit more heat makes you think that since you’re not as cold as him, you could help him... and finally decide to drape your arms around his shoulders to try and give him a bit of your heat, trying to make it look as platonic as possible, however one can do that. You were never concerned about making your bouts of affection towards him seem platonic but since his confession, you were scared to make him have false hope. Still, he seems to calm a bit after that and leans his head towards yours. He looks up at you just at the moment your face decides to go red again. Fucking nice. Too embarrassed, you decide to keep your arms to yourself and stop hugging him, but he stays there, against you. He says with a small shaky voice:

 

“Hey uh... brother. How about we... up and talk about that night, uh?”

“Hum... let's not. Please. Or at least, not now.”

“Oh...”

 

He looks down, tears appearing in his eyes. THERE! THERE! You fucked up again. You are really really bad with this. You feel so out of place every time you are confronted to his mood swings, and it's the first time you are here to help him recover from a suicidal episode. No, it’s the first time you help ANYONE out of a suicidal episode. Again, Karkat is way more experienced with these episodes, you, you never were trained for that stuff. Given there were any trainings, which you are sure don't exist. You hesitate, but when a sob escapes his mouth, your body acts by itself and you pull him into a tight hug. What the fuck are you doing.

 

“Hey buddy! It's alright okay? I don't hate you! You're still uh... I mean... we're still... friends, right?” you pull away a bit to look at him, an unsure smile on your lips “I was very worried for you! And I still am! I don't know what I'd do if you disappeared. You mean so much to me Gamz, and to a lot of other people too. You are never alone and never hated and you're really important, I can assure you that.”

 

Wow, what are you DOING? How much further down could you go in this embarrassing mess? What about trying to not give him false hopes? You decide that you don’t care anymore about this as it seems that it made him a bit less gloomy. He looks up at you again with a small smile, tears still streaming on his face. Damn. You suddenly feel your lungs empty with all the air they contained. You really want him to stop crying. He doesn’t deserve this. He needs to make his cute smile again. WAIT. Did you just... think that?? You blush faintly, looking to the side, trying to stop your train of thoughts. Actually it's not really the first time you think about Gamzee that way. You remember the first time you saw him in a dress or that night during a New Year party; he is really, really cute and you caught yourself staring more than a few time, but before, you didn't really pay attention to it. You thought it was something normal and that everyone experienced with their friends, and you still think this, but now that you know his feelings for you... it's different. It's difficult now. And you can't stop worrying and thinking about him because you just want him to be happy... Well, you monumentally failed trying to stop your mind from thinking too much.

 

“Thanks Tav...” he mutters, pulling you out of your thoughts. You stop hugging him and stand up slowly, helping him doing the same.

“It's normal. So! We should probably get prepared to go? I think.”

“Uuuuh yeah but. I'm not sure this motherfucker is ready to kick the journey to school right now” he says while chuckling nervously “Karbro probably saw my messages, he's gonna be all pissed off an' shit, I'm not really sure I wanna get yelled at.”

 

Oh shit... you forgot about that! Everyone else must have seen your messages from earlier by now. You make a panicked face and leave Gamzee to go search for your phone. You arrive in the bedroom and search a bit through the covers to finally find it under your pillow. You quickly switch it on and go on Trollian, ignoring the texts you received from Rufioh. Oh god damn it. For the first time in your life, all of your friends (even the ones who didn't like you that much, and EVEN Vriska) messaged you. You gulp, reading through the messages.

 

AA: tavr0s

AA: is gamzee 0kay

AA: are *y0u* 0kay

AA: please answer i am very w0rried 0n0

AT: dON'T WORRY ARADIA, gAMZEE AND I ARE ALRIGHT,

AA: 0h g00d

AA: i h0pe to see y0u both s00n then

AT: yOU CAN COUNT ON THAT }:)

 

TA: not that ii'm worriied or anythiing but that would 2uck iif 2omeone iin our group wa2 dead

TA: ii hope gamzee iis well

AT: hE'S ALRIGHT SO DON'T WORRY,

TA: ii wasn't

TA: cool then

 

CT: D-> i have come to inquire about makara's well being

CT: D-> i do not particularly wish to talk to you but he won't respond to my messages

CT: D-> i am waiting for you answer

AT: gAMZEE IS ALIVE,

CT: D-> thank god

 

CC: TAVROS!!! IS CLAMS--EA OKAY??

CC: i am sooooo afraid rig)(t now, he's not answering, YOU'R---E not answering!!

CC: i will come to his house RIG)(T NOW i don't care i live 200km away!!

CC: oh glub, why would he even think about doing something like that, didn't he think about US 38( ?

AT: hEEY FEFERI,

AT: dON'T WORRY HE'S SAFE AND SOUND,

CC: GR-----EAT!!!

AT: aLSO, tHAT'S KIND OF RUDE TO, sAY THAT, i GUESS

AT: yOU KNOW HE WASN'T FEELING GOOD,

AT: aND I DON'T THINK SAYING THAT, hE SHOULD THINK ABOUT US, bEFORE HIMSELF, wOULD HELP, aT ALL,

AT: aCTUALLY I'M PRETTY SURE IT WOULD DO THE CONTRARY, aND MAKE HIM FEEL MORE GUILTY,

CC: oh alright 38( sorry tavros i didn't mean to come off as rude!!

AT: iT'S OKAY,

 

AG: So is the pathetic clown dead now?

AG: My god I hope he is, he is a disgr8ce to the human r8ce.

AT: wHY DO YOU KEEP, uH, tALKING TO ME,

AT: i THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THAT I DON'T, wANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, aNYMORE,

AG: Ugh you're so 8ooooooooring Peter Pan!

AG: So, is he dead or wh8t????????

AT: hE IS ALIVE, lEAVE ME ALONE NOW,

 

You then block her, for good this time, you hope. She always manages to come back. You switch to the next messages.

 

You wince seeing the gray wall of text, all sent by Karkat.

 

CG: NITRAM

CG: I HOPE FOR YOUR PRETTY FACE THAT THIS HEAP OF GARBAGE THAT WE CALL OUR “FRIEND” IS STILL ALIVE OR I WILL FUCK YOU UP SO BAD EVEN YOUR MOM WHO PULLED YOU THROUGH HER UTERUS AND EDUCATED YOU FOR ALL THESE LONG, LONG YEARS WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU

CG: HEY ASSHOLE I'M TALKING TO YOU

CG: HEY, WET SMELLY PIECE OF TRASH

CG: WAIT UNTIL WE MEET AT SCHOOL

CG: I WILL DESTROY THE PATHETIC TIMELINE YOU CALL YOUR EXISTENCE

CG: PLEASE, JUST TELL ME HE'S ALIVE

AT: hI, kARKAT,

CG: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU TOOK YOUR FUCKING TIME!!!!

AT: i'M SORRY, hE DRANK A LOT THIS NIGHT, hE KIND OF, hAD TO THROW IT ALL UP, tHIS MORNING,

AT: aBOUT THAT,

AT: hE'S IN A REALLY BAD STATE, sHOULD HE REALLY COME TO SCHOOL?

CG: HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW?

AT: wELL, i REALLY DON'T WANT TO MISS SCHOOL BUT, i REALLY DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM ALONE EITHER, aND YOU KNOW,

AT: sINCE YOU'RE NOT AT SCHOOL  ANYMORE, i THOUGHT, mAYBE, yOU COULD TAKE CARE OF HIM,

CG: UUUUGH, I HATE YOU BOTH SO MUCH

CG: ALRIGHT I'M COMING TO LOOK OUT FOR HIM. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THAT FOR FUCK'S SAKE, ON A SCALE OF 0 TO 1000 OF THE MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE I KNOW YOU BOTH ARE A GOOD 1000 I SWEAR

CG: AMPORA IS A 1001 BY THE WAY

AT: tHANKS KARKAT, sEE YOU LATER THEN }:)

CG: FUCK OFF

 

You smirk. Well, you handled the Vantas storm pretty well. You think it was also a good idea to not talk about what Gamzee told you, the consequences would be terrible for both you and Gamzee as well. Talking about him, you go back to the bathroom to check up on him. When you see him, he's in a much better state; he is standing alone and gained a bit of colors, although you can't really see it as he is putting his clown makeup on.

 

“Hey uh, I'm gonna leave, but don't worry, Karkat's coming.”

“Awww maaaaaan!” he turns to look at you with pleading eyes “Karkat will fucking murder me!”

 

You laugh a bit but stop immediately when you see his fake unamused face.

 

“I'm sorry, I can't not go to school. But at the same time, I can't leave you alone like this so, I had to tell him to come.”

“Heh yeah, go then. I don't wanna up and make you run late to your future brother. Also, thanks... I mean, for this night. I really wanted to end it ya'know, kick the fuckin' bucket. But it was fucking bitchtits to see your miraculous face.”

 

You smile widely, and you can't help but reach to pet his hair quickly. You do that a lot, his hair really is agreeable to touch, with its soft curly strands of semi-straight semi-curly hair that grows in a wild mass like a tropical forest, with less man-eating tigers. It does look like a lion's mane though. He smiles back at you.

 

“Ok I'm gonna leave now or I'll be late! See you later!” you say, leaving his bathroom. The last image you see is him waving at you with his smile faltering.

* * *

You know he doesn't like you. You know he's just forcing himself to show that nothing has changed between you two, but it's not true. Everything has changed. He is clearly uncomfortable in your presence. Very clearly. He can't even hug you like he used to do before. You sigh. You're now alone. Not for long though, Karkat is coming. But for now you are left in the silence of your home. A silence that you cannot stand. That you fear.

 

You stand there, looking at the door where Tavros left, your feet feeling like ice on this white tile floor. If there's something that you dread more than anything, it's this silence. The fact that you know very well that you're probably going to go through a small anxiety crisis in a few minutes. You can't stand being alone, even less when you know you might have upset one of you friends, and it's worse knowing that this friend on who you have the biggest crush happens to be one of the friends you depend on the most. But you're not going to give anxiety its chance.

 

You get out of the bathroom and walk towards your bedroom. You bounce on your bed and take your pillow, snatching the little bag of weed that was hiding under it and all the other materials needed. Actually, you just sit there, the little plastic bag between your fingers, the pillow pressed against your body with your other arm. You play with the bag for a few minutes, looking at it, not really thinking of anything. Then you put the pillow to its place and make yourself a joint. A few minutes later, you are relaxed, on your bed, a cloud of smoke surrounding you. You feel better, way better. You whole body feels numb and you're smiling, thinking about goats. God damn you love goats. Them little sticks they have for legs and how they jump everywhere and their adorable little snouts! You would love to have a goat. They're so cute. You hear the front door open but you don't move, you just lift yourself up a little bit and stare at your bedroom door, waiting for the tornado to come in.

 

BLAM! There he is.

 

“GAMZEE! Don't you DARE scare me like that EVER again!”


End file.
